Remember how I had everybody weigh in on my fabric samples so that I could recover my chairs and then I did nothing about it at all except tell you I wasn’t taking anyone’s advice after all and that I was going back to the drawing board and then I just never spoke of it again because I never did anything else with it again?
Well, things are pretty much the same in that regard.
But look what I have done!
I’ve become a professional paint chip collector.
I’ve started writing things on my to-do list like “iron shirts” and “sweep the kitchen” and “breathe in and out over and over” just so I can draw a line through them at the end of the day and feel like I’ve accomplished something.
Craig called me out on it a couple nights ago. I was all “I CAN’T do anything except FOCUS ON THIS CRAZY TO-DO LIST.” And he was all, “Can I see your to-do list?” And I put on a victim face and shoved it under his nose. He was basically like, “These things are all things that people just do normally. You can’t count grooming yourself as a task.”
Frankly, I beg to differ. For instance, if I made a normal to-do list for myself for this morning, it would be this:
1. Take kickboxing and power class at the gym
And that’s it.
Well, I did that today. And I could check it off the list like so:
1. Take fucking kicboxing and power class at the gym! Fuck YEAH!
But I think that looks so pathetic. It looks so sad and unaccomplishy when I think about all that I had to do just to to do my to-do. Sorry, caught in a to do vortex there.
Sam woke up late. Because he comes into our room at 6:45 every single day of the week, I always assume he will do this on Thursdays (my early day at the gym day). But every Thursday, he saunters in around 7:30 and I’m all ” You were supposed to be my alarm clock kid! Good morning. Now HURRY!”
So I got dressed.
I got each kid dressed.
I got each kid milk.
I brushed all our teeth and some of our hair.
I packed a gym bag.
I packed breakfast for all the kids to eat at the gym- and nothing for myself.
I left the house.
I protected myself from Henry who has taken to punching me in the throat when I won’t put him down when he prefers to walk rather than be carried to the car. As he screamed and punched me in the throat, I noticed that Sam was walking about as fast as a person who is not walking. So, I challenged him to race me to the car, which he did, and he won (of course). Please picture this for me- overweight mom in spandex pants and tank top and no coat (because I can’t find the time to buy one) carrying a screaming writhing 25 pound child who is punching her in the throat, while also carrying a cup of coffee and gigantic gym bag, while racing a four year old down the streets of Chicago.
I drove to Dunkin Donuts, because I had promised each of the children a donut hole if they helped me get out of the house on time.
Dunkin Donuts was too busy, so I reneged on promise and then apologized profusely for the next ten minutes as they shrieked and cried their disapproval.
Shall I go on?
Fine. I won’t. But my point is, all these things I did, not one of them got crossed off a list. And I did all that shit in about 26 minutes. I mean, come ON!
So, here’s my new revised list for the day. I will try to be fair and balanced and not include breathing as one of my to-dos.
1. Get up.
2. Get everyone dressed.
3. Get everyone fed.
4. Get everyone to car while getting punched in throat.
5. Get everyone to gym.
6. Take kick class. Eat breakfast while taking kick class.
7. Enjoy irony of that.
8. Take power class.
9. Get pulled from power class right before squats track to change a poopy diaper.
10. Give Henry extra kisses for getting me out of squats by crapping his pants.
11. Finish power class.
13. Pick up kids and drive them home.
14. Get them upstairs without getting punched in the throat.
15. Feed children and self again.
16. Put Henry down for nap.
17. Put Sam down for quiet time.
Now, that is a respectable to-do list, dammit. Well done, me!