I don’t have the funny today. But I do have a favorite old journal entry of mine. An early Flashback Friday, if you will.
Written March 20, 2010
Henry cried just before midnight and I went in to nurse him. He’s too old for this really, but I don’t have the heart or the stomach to resist him these days. So I just go. Usually with a huff and a puff, but tonight with so much relief to be needed for something. My husband called. “Why is your voice so hoarse?” he asks. “Because I haven’t spoken since you left six hours ago.” Not meant as an accusation, but coming off as one anyway.
So, he cries and I go to him. We sit in the rocking chair and I admire the way his legs cross gracefully and rest on the top of my thigh. So relaxed. He eats and my mind wanders. I do not rock. He doesn’t like rocking, I don’t think. So we are still. I notice how his hand fumbles around the pacifier clipped to his pajamas. Aimlessly. Even in sleep, he is slightly agitated. My poor boy. What have I passed on to you?
I lay him down in the crib after a while. He cries out in protest. I run my hand over his forehead and then put the pacifier in his mouth. He promptly flips over and sticks his butt in the air, the way babies do. How I mourned the loss of that sleeping position when my eldest abandoned it. Growing up and sleeping on his side.
I pause at the door now and take in Sam. He is, as I said, lying on his side. He’s been asleep for over 5 hours now, but his new Hot Wheels car is still clutched tightly in his hand. The passion with which he loves it. Even in a sleep where a screaming baby does not rouse him, he refuses to let the car drop.
My heart beats for them in this moment. Their sweetness in sleep. I want to lie down in the middle of the floor just to listen to them breathe. But I steal one more glance and leave, dutifully.
Dear Current Self-
Your Old Self