Gracefully Slipping Into Chaos

Still stuck in chaos. Feel a bit consumed by it.  It seems realistically possible that I may never finish all the house projects that are coming my way.  I told Craig I was going to pace myself.  Yesterday, at 9:30, I decided that I was done working for the day and announced it brazenly.  And he said, “cool.”  And then I said, “What?  You think I’m lazy, don’t you?  You think I didn’t get anything done today, don’t you?  You think I’m never going to finish, don’t you?”  And then he said with a laugh, “Well, you definitely know how to pace yourself.”

It took me a while to dig the knife out of my back.  I tried not to cry.

And then he realized that I didn’t know he was being sarcastic and he backpedaled as furiously as his legs would take him.

He said it was obviously meant as a joke.  Obviously. 

Let’s do a list.  If nothing else, my blog can be organized.

1. Dude at the gym today unplugged my machine to clean the floor.  And I was like, YOU CAN’T STOP ME. And I just kept pedalling. He pretended like it was an accident, similarly to Craig pretending like he’d made a joke re my laziness.

2. Henry is so disagreeable.  He’ll say I want cheese.  I want cheese.  I want cheeeeeeeeeeeese.  And then you go, Oh, you want cheese?  And he shrieks NO I NO WANT CHEESE!  So, lately, when I say I love you Henry, he throws this one at me.  I NO LOVE YOU MAMA.  I’ve had just about enough of that nonsense. So today, when I tucked him in for his nap, I was kissing him and I said I love you Henry and he replied I NO LOVE YOU.  And I said, that is rude and I don’t like it and don’t say that to me anymore and I walked out of the door quite abruptly.

The level of freakout at my abrupt departure was very satisfying.

3. Hunger Games!

4. Sam is doing his thank you notes to all the people he couldn’t thank personally over Christmas.  And one of them is to his teacher.  I was sort of showing him how to construct his note and said he might not want to close with “I love you” on his teacher’s note.  And he looked so confused and said, well why not because I do love her.  And I said, well, all right then.  So we’ll see what comes of that one.

5. I bought dumplings at Target.  I am so excited to eat said dumplings.  I hope they do not disappoint.

6. My birthday is just a few days away.  I’ll be 35.   A day can feel so long.  But lately a year always feels so short.  Just 365 long days equals one short year.  I like getting older.  I’m sure one year, I will say, this is old enough for me.  My mortality will start to grip her nails around my throat in anticipation and I will wish to see the hands of the clock move from 12 to 11.

But so far, that day hasn’t come.  I still enjoy the passage of time.  I enjoy realizing that the older I get the more there is to learn.  I enjoy the thought of getting wrinkles on my face, particularly the ones around my eyes.  I actually get a kick out of being called ma’am.

I’ve got a fair sure of crap that keeps me feeling less than, but thankfully, getting older is not one of them.