How The Universe Taking My Socks Might Turn Me Into a Farmhand

For the past like 36 hours, I’ve been totally bitchy and cranky for no reason that would be passable in a court of law should I choose to act on any criminal impulse I might allegedly have.  Allegedly.

For instance. Craig used to have these gray woolen socks. They were enormous.  The elastic was all stretched out of them.  They were the most comfortable, warm, perfect socks in the entire universe.  I could write odes to these socks that would have Shakespeare weeping with envy– they were that special and important to me.

Well, my socks got holes in them about 3 months ago.  I loved these socks so much that I actually researched how to darn in an effort to salvage my socks, but was despondent about the loss of my socks and confused by the simpering and righteous online instructor, I ended up just throwing them away in a fit of hysterics.

Well, last night, I told Craig, “You know honey, if you really want to get me the best present in the whole universe for Christmas, you could buy me a huge pair of wool socks and then put bowling balls inside them for a few weeks to stretch them out for me.  I would be so eternally grateful.”

His response?  “No way.” And then he just kept on watching Swamp People. (Cue alleged criminal impulse.)

So, today, I put on this other pair of socks which have turned into my new (completely inferior) go-to pair of socks.  Well,  now they have a hole in them.  I saw this this afternoon, and was all, “UNIVERSE, LEAVE ME ALONE!  I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS KIND OF SHIT ANYMORE! YOU ARE BREAKING MY SPIRIT, YOU WHORE!”

And this is just one very small example of the emotional turmoil and anguish that I am enduring over 1,000 things that don’t matter at all.  Oh the shame of it, these first world problems, this lack of perspective!

And when this happens, this horrible frustration/shame combo, the only way out is through hard and focused work.  Honestly, it’s times like this I wish I lived on a farm.

So, here is my list of things I will be accomplishing in the next 12 hours.  It’s a lofty goal, but seriously, after all my petty grievances with the universe over the past 36 hours, I owe her something.  So, universe, here you go.  My penance:

1.  Wash, dry, fold, and put away 4 loads of laundry

3. Make dinner of lemon chicken over rice, with broccoli

4. Make an apple pie with homemade crust to be frozen and given away to a worthy recipient

5. Decorate for Christmas

6. Attend a two and a half hour blocking rehearsal at the theatre

7.  Purchase 8 Christmas gifts online

8.  Resist urge to ask for socks in exchange for above penance.

And if that doesn’t work, does anyone have a farm I can come work at for a little while?  Especially seeking a farm where someone knows how to darn socks.