One time, a few years ago, our cat Marge peed on the carpet. He was angry with us. (yes, he) for being out of town so much. He retaliated with urine. I would estimate that I have spent approximately 25 hours of my life trying to remove the smell of his pee from that carpet, the flooring under the carpet, the air around the floorboards where the carpet was when he peed on it.
I have been unsuccessful. In fact, I am now at the point where my nose associates all cleaning product smells with cat pee. Carpet cleaners. Vacuum perfumes. Febreze. Floor cleaning solutions. CAT PEE!
Always the one to call attention to my own faults before others can, I used to ask all guests, after taking their coats, “Do you smell the cat pee?” They’d tell me that they didn’t, but I’d be all “You’re just being nice. It reeks in here. Do you want something to eat?”
Well, our recent rearrangement of the living room furniture has called forth the ghosts of Marge’s pee smell. And I’m waving the white flag. You win, cat pee. You can stay. Do you know why?
We’re moving. Not today, or course. But we have an OFFICIAL PLAN. And it only takes 91 years to complete. Here it is.
Step 1. Wait. (Isn’t that a totally lame first step?)
Step 2: In the spring, rent our condo out to someone really awesome. Do you need a condo in the spring? We have a really cute one. As long as you don’t mind the smell of cat pee.
Step 3: Find a home in Downers Grove to rent for a year.
Step 4: Wait more. Dammit.
Step 5: Turn in our stupid taxes to the stupid IRS proving that we have a stupid renter in our stupid condo and get approved for a stupid mortgage big enough for an AWESOME house.
Step 6: Shop for and buy awesome house.
Step 7: Wait about 90 years until the housing market recovers and then sell our cat pee condo.
Internet, I am writing out all steps of our OFFICIAL PLAN here so that when Craig or I invariably start second-guessing ourselves, you can all just shout a code word at us so like… say… CAT PEE, so we can remember that our plan is OFFICIAL and we are required to stay the fucking course with it.
So, remember. When I come here in the spring and start blogging about how we’re not quite sure if our OFFICIAL PLAN is the best plan — which I most likely will do — you are all to shout CAT PEE at me in your loudest voices.