The Only Thing Missing Was Veruca Salt

We took the children to see the Muppet movie on Saturday.  It was Henry’s first movie.  So we were all pretty nervous to see how it would go.  Of course, the theatre was packed, and we found our seats in the very last row.  Craig went out to get snacks while the boys enjoyed the eleventy billion previews.  He came back with popcorn and junior mints (ugh) and like 90 ounces of diet coke which he set in the cup holder between my two young sons.

Sam thinks pop is gross.  And Henry is just a little tyke with a very small appetite and probably like a miniature stomach, so how much pop could he fit in there, even if he did discover that he liked it, which he probably won’t because his brother doesn’t like it, am I right?

So I look away for like, oh, maybe seven seconds, and when I turn back, Henry is crouched in his chair, squatting sort of like a sumo wrestler, over the cup sucking on that straw as hard as his sweet little lips will allow.  I quickly grab the cup to discover that my two year old has basically just sucked down a half of a big gulp in seven seconds.

And then the movie begins.

And it’s all going pretty much fine for the first twenty minutes or so.

Both kids are watching and delighted and enjoying themselves.  Sam is at least keeping his questions to the dull roar of his stage whisper.  And Henry’s shouted questions and exclamations such as WHERE MY POP?  WHERE MY POP?  are not too too distracting to other patrons.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

But then something happened to Henry.  It was just like something clicked on.  Or off.  Or maybe both. He became frantically wild.  I think my favorite part of the whole movie was when he stepped down in front of the seat, grabbed the head of the seat in front of him and began jumping up and down like a human pogo stick shouting LOOK I JUMPING LOOKAME I JUMP JUMP JUMP JUUMP I JUUUUUUUUUMPIN DADDY.

Craig took him out at that point. Obviously.  And Sam and I were able to enjoy the Muppet movie in peace.  I was so moved by the whole hey kids are pretty okay and awesome, everybody. and they are still entertained by simple sweet muppets. And was doubly encouraged by Sam’s delight in the whole movie.  But then as soon as the credits rolled, he stood up, metaphorically dusted his hands of the whole shameful event, and demanded we fulfill a half-hearted promise to play an expensive video game to try to win him a stuffed angry bird.

So, I gathered up my crushed spirit and walked down the aisle patiently explaining to Sam that that game was a huge rip off and he did know that he wasn’t actually going to get an angry bird and that the game would only last like .02 seconds, and just what exactly were his thoughts on the delightful expensive movie that he just saw???  And I see Craig standing in the hallway, holding football style a kicking and screaming Henry.  I’m surprised Craig didn’t have a bloody nose and tears streaming down his face. Craig says, he’s had about 9 time outs.  He has been going up to ten year olds, pushing them and then grabbing their video game controllers… and other stuff.  And then Craig stalks into the bathroom where I assume he crouched on a toilet and hyperventilated through his tears.

I am running in circles around Henry at this point as Sam is watching some girl play the angry bird game.  She puts in a dollar and the game basically does nothing. Nothing moves or blinks or flashes and it’s over in like 3 seconds.  The girl is crestfallen.  Sam decides that the game blows (my words, not his) and that he doesn’t want to play it.  And I say, that’s cool, so proud of him for making such a smart decision. And I tell him that he can play a different one.  Just one.  Whichever one he wants.  I say this before I properly look at any of the video games, because let me remind you that I have a two year old pumped full of caffeine on my hands, and I am in a crowded movie theatre lobby.

So, I give Sam a dollar and run after Henry and then Craig comes out of the bathroom and I go over to see what Sam is doing and I see that he is playing the most graphic violent video game I have ever seen.  He has this huge semi automatic rifle propped up to his eye and he’s shooting at perfectly harmless looking people and their heads are exploding and blood is flying and Henry is still running around jumping and smacking things while Craig and I are frantically trying to run damage control.

Meanwhile all these parents are pouring out of the sweet Muppet movie reflecting on how good kids really are these days.  They must have been so disappointed to run smack into our little private circle of crazy.  It could only have been improved if I had a little Veruca Salt at the hem of my dress screaming MINE MINE MINE!

All in all though, I though the night went pretty good.

Sam was delighted by the whistling parts.  I’ve never seen a boy giggle so hard.