This is what a fat triathlete looks like:
I looked through all the pictures I had of me doing my triathlon for anything that looked like I was actually running and not just sort of walking with zest, but they don’t exist. (This is a lie. There is one, but I am in a bathing suit and the formation of my thighs in that picture is… I’m not ready to share that with you, internet.) Surely this is odd that that there are no pictures of me clothed and running. I mean, I basically ran so hard I thought my heart would explode. Perhaps walking really fast is enough to make my heart explode.
Oh. Now I’m sort of sad.
Anyway, I trained really hard for this race. For like 3 months, I diligently trained –sometimes for 2 hours a day. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to you, but it’s a hell of a lot to me. And it’s not just because I’m a mom with two kids, but because exercising for two hours a day totally takes away from my snacking time. That’s unacceptable.
But you know what? I didn’t lose a single pound during all this training. Apparently you have to actually control your diet in order to lose weight. It’s called “science” or something.
So, after a very long period of dieting for one week and then celebrating my weight loss by eating really big fattening meals, I joined Weight Watchers. Again. Craig is doing it too. He has his own weight loss story and it’s a good one. But I think it would be safe to say that Craig is as good at losing weight as he is with money. And I’m about as good at losing weight as I am with money. Are you seeing a pattern here?
Craig came home from his weigh in yesterday and told me that he’d lost 3.6 pounds. I was all “What the hell, man? You cheated!” Because that’s the kind of wife I am. And then I had my weigh in today and lost 3.8. I immediately texted him and he was all “Oh my GOD, honey! You’re amazing!” Because that’s the kind of husband he is.
But deep down, I know there really can only be one explanation. It’s because of my better credit rating.